This Hold

You hold me and time stands still. The days blur and the urgencies of the world, they cease to exist. For I am safe in this moment. In this uncertain place I've found myself, I lay in the shadow of the stone that is you. You lend solace and an unwavering steady accessible to no one else. This spell you've placed on me envelopes my all. This hold is unmatched, untouchable and unbreakable. I crave and fear this hallucinagenic fog I'm under. I am content and terrified of this control you have. I smell your scent and taste your taste. The flavors and aromas of you and this world we live in together but apart, they follow me everywhere I go. The security you've tasked with stalking me and reminding me of your ever present self so that no other person or thing has a chance to steal my thoughts. You've imprisoned me. You've stolen my freedom to choose, to have something other than you. And though I have a copy of the key that would set me free you keep me from using it. This hold you have grows tighter and tighter each day. I want to be left alone but fear the day I no longer sense you, smell you, taste you, feel you. I hold your hand and walk across these rivers and streams with hushed confidence I've borrowed from you. It's these eggs shells however that you've placed at my feet that cause me confusion and keep me locked in place, in this place. And I don't have to change a thing about me. You swarm me as I am, which causes me to constantly be someone other than who I am. I hide the cracks you've made under the smile you've caused. This draw you have that steadies and unnerves, sickens and strengthens pulls me in and pushes me away. I'm hanging on for dear life. Running in place. Drinking you in while trying not to swallow. You've convinced me that my survival depends on you but I also know i'll die if I stay. Each day pieces of me fall away. You catch them and put them back but in the wrong places. And I'm confused but I like it... I think. Each time I reach the surface this weight that is you pulls me down. I keep swimming aware of your tight grip. Aware I'm not strong enough, but believing I am. Because that's how you make me feel. This unrelenting and enduring hold you have on me. It just won't let up. You just won't let up. And I'm not even sure you know. But it's real. I feel it. Everyday you smother me. And I can't escape. This god damn hold you have on me.