I Don’t Love You

I don't love you, but I love the way you make me feel. So I use you. The way I've been used before. And I get that it's wrong. For so many reasons lying here with you is wrong. But I've convinced myself that if I don't use you, you'll be free to use someone else. And someone else will eventually use me. So I choose. I chose. And here we are. I can't stand to look at you most days. I know the thoughts you breed. What you must think of me. The kind of girl I am. The kind of girl I will never be. I don't care. I'll let you think me trash. A whore. Desperate. Easy. But what does that make the person who calls himself a gentle, kind hearted man, who lies here with me? I don't even like you. Why would I care what you think? That's why I chose you. You're smart, likable, respectful, ambitious. You keep your word. You're honest and fair. You're the good guy girls ignore. Girls like me don't like guys like you. We want tears. Welcome hurt. We bath in unhappiness everyday. It's our norm and you don't fit in. I swear I don't love you. I could never be with someone who makes me smile. Who brings out the best in me. Who touches me the way you do. Who returns my calls and lets me know I've crossed your mind. But that won't stop me from using you. For stealing moments and places and things I'll never have otherwise. And I hold on to you with everything I have and soak in your energy and warmth and sincerity. Because if I don't someone else will. And I don't want them to. I don't want them to take you from me. Not when I've just learned to accept and to trust and to be uninhibited. Not while all of these things I feel are unsorted and undefined. Not while I'm not ready to let go and move on to that guy who'll only break my heart and tear me down. I don't want to associate you with my laughs and giggles. Or give you credit for my lingering stare. With my breathlessness and sleepy eyes. My grasp that holds you tighter every time we're together. I hold on because I'm afraid to let go. I stay because I know where I'm headed. And I'm not ready yet. I'm in no rush to go back to the right guy. The guy who makes me cry. Who tells me he loves me with anger and pain and words he can’t take back. I'm just not ready to be with him yet. Not after all this time with you. But that doesn't mean I love you. It just means I need you. Just for now while I heal myself. While you heal me. And it feels good to be liked so hard that it feels like love. As if I know what that feels like. To be craved the way I crave the hurt I'm used to. To feel safe and secure and protected. I'm sure that’s how I feel. How you make me feel. But you don't lie to me. And you don't make false promises. And I hate you for showing me the better side. The brighter side. The wrong side. The side the exemplifies the right way for a man to treat a woman; his woman. Who are you to tell me that everything I know is wrong?! That I can have better? That I can do better? Especially since you know this isn't forever. That I'll eventually go back to men who are nothing like you. You have no idea how much I don't love you. I just love the way you make me feel.