Depression

I don't like you most days. I count the flaws, note the newly unrecognizable parts of me you've burden me with. I wish you would just go away. But then I’d miss you. Like that spot on my face that came suddenly seemingly from nowhere, you just arrived. A stray I fed way too many times you've made your bed in a place you're not welcome. Even so, I pet you and I nurture you and I've taken to the way you make me feel when you're around. I don't need you but I want you because I need to know that someone wants me. Though I prefer solitude I've been forced to accept this endless residency as my new norm. I lie in bed without reason to do much else and you curl up aside me and hold on tight. You comfort my pain and nurture my grief and have made darkness and loneliness my closest friends. And I've tried harder than you'll ever know to rid myself of you. Closed myself off, lied about where I'd be, even changed my look and attitude. You always find me though. I hide from and try to ignore your advances but you seem to always know when the time is right. You expertly navigate my senses and wait until my guard is down. I know your touch and smell and the sound of your voice yet I can’t seem to spot you or see you coming. And I always welcome you in when you return. I can't unlove you no matter how much I’ve tried. It seems you feel the same because you keep coming back time after time. I don't love anyone, which makes this extremely confusing and distressing and also amazing and exciting. I see much more clearly when you visit me. The perspective isn't that good but at least I see and feel something when you’re around. If I can only get you out of my head maybe I could be the person I used to be. The person I was long before you met me. The person who leaves when you’re with me. If I only had the strength to stand up to you. If I could only place interest and attention on things other than you. I'd be so much better off. But I'd also miss you. Because even though I don't need you I want you because I need to know that at least one person depends on me. Which makes it so hard to let you go. You cause my tears but then wipe them away. Tell me to hate the world but force me to live in it. You drain my desires and erase all hope. A blessing and a curse, lacking the energy to just let go. You sit with me when I’m alone. Because of you I’m never alone. You lie with me and keep me warm. You’re my best friend. And I know you’re no good but you’re always here. A dependable stone that always appears when I need it most. And you play mind games that leave me disconcerted. But I love games and your time with me tells me I’m worth it. And I keep saying tomorrow I’ll change. I’ll ask you to go and leave no room for you to stay. But I enjoy your company. Something about you is refreshing to me. One moment I’m literally twisting and pulling at my hair, but then you rescue me and I’m too indifferent to care. And I’m starting to believe you’re the cause of my pain, but I trust how I feel whenever you’re with me. You tell me to push all my real friends away. You then latch on when I’m saddened by their distance. You’ve proven time and again that you’ll always be here for me. And all you ask is I not be happy. And you’re harmful and abusive and control the lens through which I see. But you proven over and over to be someone who will always accept me. And even though I don't need you I depend on your constant residency. And knowing at least one person depends on me has become more than enough reason to accept you as part of me. This is even though you’re the piece of me I’d love to rid myself of the most.