I Thought About You Today

I thought about you today. Almost dialed your number. I was afraid you’d answer however. I was also afraid you wouldn’t. You bring news too heavy to hold. Your heavy passed through the weight of words to others who never asked to share your load. With troubles of our own I hesitate to call your name. I worry for you. At times hoping you won’t answer my call. The pain short lived by the finality and release of the suffering we all share. And I hurt for you. No cause of my own burdens you. But I remain burdened by your sadness and everything you’ve been through. And I wanted you to know you crossed mind. Wanted to let you know you mean something to someone. To me. The thought filled my mind today. Maybe you’re just waiting for an ally to reaffirm a bond you believe long sense broken. You just need to be reminded of the love we all have for you. I wanted to tell you how much I always miss you. How, should you be gone, I’d greatly miss you. But I could not move myself to dial your number. I was much too afraid I’d hear your voice. That the distance between my last good memories would be closed in on by the recent painful ones. Washed out by your current sorrows. And I want to keep you here. I want to remember you happy. Is that selfish of me? I don’t know if it is, but those who throw stones are welcome to take my place and swim upstream with you. To sit and greave for you. To hurt for you knowing no call I make will impact your desires. I know when you’re finally ready you will leave. I can’t go with you. I don’t want to go with you. But you steal me away taking me against my will anyway. So I put off today what I may or may not be able to do tomorrow. I know the risk I am taking and I’m ok being not ok with this. I thought about you all day. I was going to call to tell you that I love you. The you I hold dear is happy and healthy and safe. So I decided that I’d just wait. Wanting to hold on to a better you for just a little while longer I wait. I was too afraid you’d answer and vomit through tears and a broken voice a burden I am struggling to bare. I was too afraid you’d actually answer my call. Even more afraid that by the time my call reached wherever you are, you’d no longer be here.