It’s Me

You keep hurting me. I close my eyes, grit my teeth and pray it will stop. You don't put hands to me the way he did, but it feels the same. I convince myself it won't last. I pray it won't last. Your words and actions are so incongruent. I want to tell everyone how great you are. How it feels when you hold me with your words. How my heart beats a little faster when you are near. But I'd be lying by omission if I kept silent about the truth of those words. The phrases you use that push me away, but always end with please stay. I love you. That's my favorite. It's easy to love you, but takes a lot out of me. You only hurt me because you care. That's what I tell myself. I bring things out in you. Evoke confusion because you don't really know how you feel or how else to express it. You've never felt this way before. No one makes you feel the way I do and It scares you. You bring that same fear out of me. You hurt me. Disrespect me. Lie to me. Assault my feelings over and over again. You've even made me cry. But you're offenses aren't half as bad as mine. Because I lie too. When I say I'm done. When I walk away. When I leave knowing I can never stay away. I let you hurt me. I don't like it. But I still like you. Love you even. Even though you hurt me. And I’ve wondered what's wrong with you? All along it's me there's something wrong with. And I know this because I keep letting you in. Keep opening the door. Keep sending invitations. I let you hurt me. And when I do; let you, the reality is that it's me doing the hurting. More than you can ever hurt me, I hurt myself. You never learn the lessons you need to learn. Like how it would feel to lose me. Or what's it's like to be alone even when I am near. I will never walk away. You will never stop hurting me. Truth is I'm hurting you by letting you believe this is ok. I'm hurting myself by choosing to stay.