High On You

I knew better. I was pure. Never before kissed by the dangers you filled my sight with. And though I'd love to blame you, place fault for these sins on you, it was me. From the moment I saw, I desired. From that desire my fate was sealed because I wanted it. Wanted it badly and you were only too eager to please. To give it again and again and again. I'd changed my mind a time or two wanting and needing, but knowing it was wrong. Seeing where we were heading. The train wreck awaiting us. But you were already invested. Too deep to let go. I tried to put you down. To stay away. To say no. But the more I fought the better it was. My mind screaming make it stop. My body begging you to continue. I puff a little more. My eyes droop. I'm too relaxed. I can't fight it anymore. So I breath it in deeper as my vision fades. My ability to make good decisions is long gone. My will to let go, to get clean dissipates along with each cloud of smoke released from the heat we've generated. Long after you've gone I feel you. Like bugs beneath the surface of my skin. I scratch and tear at these dreams that fill my head. I'm so high on you that I can't even tell the difference between sober and being under your influence anymore. You're no where near me but these voices. I can't tell if I'm losing it or loving it. So I breath even deeper. A total eclipse of judgement and all that is common sense. I can't see through the fumes that are you. That are us. I'm on the verge of an overdose. I see it nearing, but I can't stop. I can't put down this bottle that is you. Full of hurt. Drenched in fear. I keep drinking you in. I’m hoping this spell that comes over me when I reach the bottom will shield the reality that this is a mistake. I can't handle reality. I prefer the numb to the pain this addiction brings me. Knowing troubles around the bend you egg me on. Although you say nothing, you don't say no. You instead use me. Taking full advantage of the vulnerability that follows whenever I'm in this state. Enveloped by your overbearing presence my desire heightens. Senses on overload with each breath I take. And I could cover my face, block this view, run away. I know you don't love me. Won't cherish or adorn me. I tell myself it's ok because I love this feeling of being high on you. I prefer it to the loneliness your absence brings. So I puff a little more instead. And I let you fill me up as I fade. And I know better. But I'm not pure anymore. It's too late to go back. Kissed by the dangers you've filled my head with, my vision fades. And though I'd love to blame you, place fault for these sins on you, it's all me. I could make it stop. Put you down, walk away, rehab... But I can't because I don't want to. I need you. I don't want to go back to the life I had before you. I can't live a life without you. So I breath you in a little more. And I give in to this high that is you.