The Lesson

Who I was in past relationships was based on who I was with. It took a decade to realize who I was then is not the real me. For so long I thought of myself as the person everyone expected of me. In roles I often found myself comfortably playing passed on to me. Always putting others first I silenced myself. Afraid of what others may think I accepted myself. Accepted that I’d never have what I wanted. That settling was something we all did. And I stood steadfast in my position even when it became apparent I had chosen wrong. Failing time and time again. I blamed no one but me for the sadness I’d bear. Holding onto hurt as if it were the air passing through me. And with words I lied and said the opposite of what I felt. And I cried when I was alone. For choosing wrong I suffered. My penance for saying I will, I love and I do. For throwing around words I never knew the meaning of. Making a mockery of a covenant I never respected. And I convinced myself that I deserved it all. That every lash and loss I took I’d earned. I was what you wanted, not what we needed. I compromised myself so you’d feel empowered. A slave to my captive I acquiesced and bent to your will. And you took nothing from me but what I gave. I sacrificed. I held back nothing. And in the end it didn’t even matter. Because it wasn’t enough. But I know better now. To not let another take from me what they have not yet earned. To think twice about anyone who encourages me to take second place. To understand that when sentences began with “well if you love me you’d…” that I’m being played by someone who wants a love they lack for themselves. I don’t need to be made whole. Anyone who does isn’t welcome in my home. Because having someone to share a house with doesn’t always equate to a loving home. And having someone to hold me tight at night doesn’t mean I am safe or secure. Because I don’t want to settle for half of anything. Especially if it means losing or trading half of myself. And I don’t want to play a role I’m not happy in. Or make my home on someone else’s shelf. So I’ll wait until the time is right and I am seen for the queen I am. And I’ll never allow another to walk all over me. Or look for, in someone else, the peace I often seek. Because there’s nothing more important than the one lesson you taught me. That is it will never be anyone else’s job but mine to fully and unconditionally love me.